Types of People at Desi Weddings
Here are the usual suspects you’ll find at every desi wedding. Like seriously, every. desi. wedding. EVER.
1. Rishta Aunty
Rishta Aunty’s prime objective at a wedding, apart from inhaling as many samosa humanly possible at cocktail hour, is to land herself a pretty Indian girl for either her son, her nephew, or simply to match up every single guy with every “good girl” in her community.
For the most part, she’s harmless, but you can’t help but feel she’s constantly sizing you up because, well, she’s constantly sizing you up. Give her a samosa and shut her the eff up. But don’t give her too many else she’ll think you’re a dutiful woman primed for marriage.
2. “Upinya” Aunty
Upinya Aunty got her name because she’s always up in ya business. She’s shrewder than Rishta Aunty. She doesn’t just want you to get married. She needs you to know that she thinks you’re a loser for not being married. She doesn’t stop there.
She has to know where you work, how much you make, how much you weigh, and how frequently you pray not because she has mastered the art of conversation, oh no. Upinma Aunty only asks these things so she can remind you that all her children are married, doctors, fit, and frequent visitors to the mandir.
She is the killer of all buzzes.
Aw, good ole Druncle. He has a special place in everyone’s heart. He provides hours of entertainment. Sure, he can be awkward at times and maybe even a twinge inappropriate. But he’s Druncle. He’s a pillar of every desi wedding reception.
He also provides one liners from his druncle stupor that is canonized for weddings to come. He’s a hashtag in the flesh.
4. The F*ck Boy
Then there’s this guy. You don’t want to like him. He’s kind of a douche. You’ll never catch him in the congo line that Druncle spearheads. Why? He’s too cool for such activities. Instead, he stands by the open bar with his other desi frat boys and talks about how lame these gatherings are. Yet he attends, like, every wedding.
So you hook up with him because hey, this wedding is lame. Desi weddings are lame dammit! Screw the patriarchy! So you bang the douche cuz that’ll show them! Whoever “them” is. Did I mention there’s an open bar?
You’ll regret it in the morning but no worries, he’ll be long gone before you can pull your palluover your head and begin your self-loathing.
5. The Fobby Wanna-Be F*ck Boy
And then there’s this guy. You don’t know what’s worse, that his game is so fobby. (Sidenote: Is it OK to use that term anymore??) or that he thinks he can run game on you. An example of said game:
He walks up to you, shaking his head and smiling. Gives you an “OK” sign and says ” You’re looking sweeter than that gulab jamun you’re eating. You’re looking very pretty tonight. Healthier than last time I saw you but pretty.”
You walk away ( but with the gulab jamun in your possession because, why not?) and you question what vibes you’re putting out that makes dude think you’re a willing participant in all this fuckery.
The whole incident also makes you eat another gulab jamun.
6. Bridesmaids Clique
Let’s forget for a moment that the “tradition” of bridesmaids and groomsmen isn’t a tradition at all in desi weddings in so much as it’s something we stole from the West. Appropriation or something, I dunno. Still so, every desi wedding has them nowadays it seems. And the bridesmaids are just extra. Like, extra everything. Extra blingy. Extra happy. Extra annoying. Extra stealing the Groom’s shoes and holding ’em extra ransom. Yet…you kinda want to be them. There’s that saying “always the bridesmaid, never the bride” yet with this posse, you begrudgingly admit, being a bridesmaid looks preferable to being a bride.
7. White Person/People
It should be noted that a white person may be one of the groomsman/bridesmaid or perhaps a guest. They are also always the ones that are the most enthusiastic about all the rituals and most especially the dancing.
This is their opportunity to feel they are in a Bollywood movie. They can’t get enough of “patting the dog” and “screwing the light bulb.”
8. Miss Filmfare (the Sangeet Hog)
Homegirl doesn’t get the memo and thinks someone will discover her at this wedding. She performs multiple choreographed dance numbers, complete with outfit changes and all. She’s a good dancer, she is. But damn homie! This ain’t the Filmfare awards, it’s a friggin’ Sangeet performance!
9. Thirsty AF Girl
This chicken head is trying hard to get married, like she thinks/hopes/acts like weddings are contagious and if she attends enough of ’em the wedding air will get in her lungs and fill her up with weddingy-martial bliss.
Whereas others stay clear of Rishta Aunty, she happily engages in conversation with her hoping some of that rishta juice will hit her.
She looks at every dude as a potential groom. She gets crazy eyes as the night progresses. All she can talk about is what theme she’s going to have at her wedding, what color scheme her outfits will include, the venue, the menu, oh this chick is coo-coo.
10. Grumpy Cat Guest
This guest is never happy at weddings. The Pandit Ji never performs the wedding rituals accurately enough, the bride is never fair skinned enough, the sound system never loud enough, the food is never tasty or varied enough. The list of complaints never ends.
Yet somehow, s/he is invited to every wedding because they are an elder and have attended every desi wedding since the dawn of time. In this tenure, they have always been unhappy and are very assertive in voicing their opinions… as they take a third helping of the food they supposedly find unacceptable.
You theorize secretly they love attending these things because it makes them feel important.
They suck but you don’t tell them they suck because, as mentioned before, they are elders and they are also most probably related to you.
Like Upinya Aunty (see above), Grumpy Cat Guest is also a buzz kill.
11. The Wedding Crasher
Whereas in America a crasher usually wants free booze and may cause mayhem because hey, no consequences, it’s not their network of people, right? Well, not so much for desi wedding crashers.
First of all, it’s not like you don’t know anybody. You will always know someone. Hell, you probably know everyone! It’s just that one of two things happened: you didn’t RSVP in time because hey! You’re desi, who the eff RSVPs?! Or two, you’re visiting someone who is going a wedding and they thought they’d take the crasher along for a free dinner buffet and show.
The desi wedding crasher is often the show stealer though so maybe it was good he or she crashed?
12. The Darling/Hottie
This chick has it going on. Gorgeous, great outfit, and spirited. Sure she dances, but not in an annoying way like Miss Filmfare ( see above).
She’s that girl, walking around unknowingly strutting her stuff, having Aunties fawn over her asking whose daughter she is. She speaks to them respectfully, which only heightens her beauty. But she’s also no goody two chapals. She does shots with the guys, all the while maintaining her cool, keeping that sari on fleek. Chick ain’t sloppy.
She’s untouchable, a rare bird loved by Aunties and men alike. She’s all the #goals.
by Soni Satpathy-Singh Teal Mango